WifeBeaters Will Continue Until Morale Improves

EL CAJON, CA — Another week of Lunchsketball, and another set of victories by an immodestly dressed Gary. He is putting together a sleeveless, form-fitting winning streak. On Wednesday, G’s team even notched a rare victory* over the formidable Dream Team (Kerry, George and Darin). During interviews before the game, Gary was clear in saying that he would stick with the new uniform as long as the wins keep coming.

Nissan Stanza

Lunchsketball gets a Stanza this year

In other news, as the annual company Christmas party approaches, buzz has been building over the soon-to-be-released, Christmas 2014 edition “Walking in a Winter Wonderland” parody poem from Kerry (aka “Animal Kracker”). On Wednesday, it was leaked that there will be one complete “stanza” devoted to Lunchsketball. While details remain vague, it has been revealed that that word “Lunchsketball” will be in the poem itself, as long as Kerry can remember how to spell “Lunchsketball”.

As a final point of news, there was some controversy during Wednesday’s game, when Kerry made a particularly exhilarating and acrobatic play that resulted in a scored basket. Members of Gary’s team protested that Special K had taken an extra step, and had traveled in the process. After some discussion, the refs got it right and allowed the play to stand because, while technically Kerry may have “traveled”, the rules should obviously be loosened in a case like this for the sake of making the game more beautiful and better for the fans, and especially when the play in question involves a marque star. This decision was validated later in the week by NBA officials who allowed a similar play to stand, as shown below.

Asterisk on the win because Darin and George are each limited by soreness in a shoulder (Darin – left shoulder, George – right shoulder). The Dream Team is down one full set of shoulders, and played remarkably well, considering.

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Domestic Disturbing

EL CAJON, CA — It has never been an athletic apparel fashion show out here, by any standard. In fact, a new shirt or pair of shorts will usually get mentioned and discussed the first time it makes an appearance, just because variety is so rare. A man generally doesn’t buy a lot of clothing, and purchases even less for exercising in. Erik has been wearing only a handful of favorite shirts for years; he’s got the Blue Bear one, and the General Motors shirt with a Hummer and Corvette on it. Everybody knows that. Phil almost exclusively wears a blue T-shirt with a white jumpman on it. Some don’t even own shorts, and will use Gary’s cast-offs, this pair of blue shorts in the warehouse that have been worn by at least 3 different guys.

With the bar having been set so very low for style, you wouldn’t think there’d be such thing as a faux pax (with of course the exception of Franklin’s “Faux Paw” shirt) in Lunchsketball. They actually do happen, but it takes something outstandingly bad. The most notable one from the past was Kerry’s pair of shorts. He had one pair of shorts, that seem to have been acquired sometime before 1992, when men’s shorts were shorts. It was basically the only pair of shorts that he owned, for quite some time. There were some holes. And then there were more holes. And more. Finally, a company policy was instated at Kerry’s office, dictating that the men were not to be seen in the office in their gym clothes. A lot of mystery enshrouds  the appearance of that policy, but Kerry’s Swiss-cheese Stockton shorts are probably what got that process rolling (the Swamp Thing phenomenon has also been implicated).

Kerry got newer shorts, and that’s been that, until recently, when Gary (aka G-Money) decided that it would be acceptable to show up wearing a wife-beater. Is he just too warm? Has he been watching Die Hard? Is he joining LeBron and others in protest of sleeves? He is a shooting specialist after all. Maybe the sleeves where interfering with his percentage.

Whatever his reasons, G is sticking with the new look. It’s a bold statement now, but baggy shorts were too, once upon a time. Maybe in a couple years, we’ll all be wearing wife beaters. Probably not in the office though.

A sKerry Halloween Week

EL CAJON, CA — This week was all about Kerry. In not one, but two spooky games this week, Kerry made SIX 3-pointers each game. That was the high point. He also went to quite a low with another below-the-belt incident. But there’s no need to bring that up.

Despite his six 3’s on Wednesday, Kerry’s team lost in a nail-biter, victims of perhaps the craziest game-winning shot in Lunchsketball history. Gary’s nephew Michael spun into the lane, trying to drive to the basket for a game winner. Kerry stepped into his path, and in trying to spin away from him, Michael began to fall off balance. Whether it was desperation or planned, falling over with his back to the basket near the free throw line, Michael tossed a high-arching shot that fell through the rim to end the game.

 

Wow. Very circus. Such Dwyane.

With all of these tedious basketball highlights covered for the week, it is time to move on to more important news. As everyone knows, most of the Lunchsketball players share a single restroom. This is where everybody changes and gets ready to play. Unfortunately, an important part of everybody’s pre-game routine is to “get down to playing weight” by unloading breakfast (see last week’s article in which Gary missed this part of the routine and was completely useless on the court). To help with the situation, Jimbo has been kind enough to leave a can of Febreeze in the handicapped stall, but sometimes, particularly with certain people to remain anonymous (call them out in the comments), Febreeze spray just isn’t enough. With that said, consider the exciting new product “Poo Pourri. The Lunchsketball blog is considering starting a “Go Fund Me” in order to sponsor a test bottle. Commercial below will explain:

California Dreamin': Fan Favorites Dominate Again

Tensions are rising on G-Money’s team in the wake of an ugly loss on Friday. Gary, Gary, Adam and Michael saw a 26-17 halftime lead disintegrate, falling 50-42, the latest victim of the Dream Team with its fan-friendly, action-packed style and chemistry.

In just the latest instance of social media creeping into the sports headlines, Gary sounded off on facebook, throwing teammates Adam and Michael publicly under the proverbial bus. He chose to voice his frustrations in the comments of a week-old photo posted on Jorge’s facebook profile. Apparently still mulling over the defeat at 9:30pm on Friday, G-Money wrote “my guys could not stop him in the second half……(Adam, Michael)”.

While the Dream Team brought their now-expected razzle-dazzle, including one of Darin’s signature “spin-cycle” plays, Big G brought some style of his own to the blacktop, throwing ridiculous “off-the-heezay” passes to teammates. Another bright spot was Adam’s long-awaited return to the court, after finally clearing physician restrictions.

In the victory, Kerry (aka “Special K”) struggled shooting the ball. His first made 3-pointer came in the second half. It had a perfect trajectory and made the most satisfying crisp “swish” sound as it slapped through the net. However, he was supposed to be in-bounding the ball, and so there was no way that shot counted. As it turned out, he was trying to pass the ball to Darin, who seemed to be open under the basket.

Kerry’s defense was superb, though. Any good aggressive defender will occasionally have the unfortunate mistake of making an inadvertent below-the-belt hit, and such was the case for Kerry on one particular play. It is important to just apologize and move on, but interestingly, Kerry argued brief-ly (pun intended) that he did not initiate the contact, and that, rather, his hand was slapped by the organ in question. That argument did not “fly”, so to speak.

Finally, in the midst of California’s historic drought, the El Cajon court is plagued with puddles. This is in violation of water restrictions. Expect the City of El Cajon to mandate that Jorge play less basketball during the water shortage.

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Wawful Fries – Gary Has Worst Game Yet

EL CAJON, CA — Kerry put his team on his back and very nearly led them to glory, but in the end, proving that no man is an island, his team fell ever so slightly short.

Game-play has started to pick up with the arrival of autumn. The “seasons” of San Diego, CA are a sore topic for that eccentric breed of out-of-state transplant who finds the perpetually optimal weather here something about which to complain (somehow, the lack of cold, damp, gray, generally suicide-inducing weather makes some people around here homesick and upset). Nevertheless, there is evidence of the seasons to be found if you know where to look. For instance, if you play Lunchsketball, then you can definitely tell that summer is over, because the change in temperature might be subtle, but a drop from 88 to 78 degrees sticks out quite a bit to anybody that routinely runs sprints on a plot of exposed asphalt for an hour in the middle of the day.

All of this is a roundabout way of saying that there’s been much more Lunchsketball being played of late. It was perhaps the worst summer on record for Lunchsketball, but it looks like the game is back to being a regular thing.

Friday provided a nice conclusion to the week of ball, with a super-rare 3-on-3 to 60 game. Kerry announced an expected attendance of 7 players, but that estimate included Scooter. Scooter hasn’t gotten a lot of mention on the blog, but one thing you should know about Scooter is that he bears no scruple about going back on his word to Kerry. In fact, if one were to begin to track the data on Kerry/Scooter email correspondence, it should continuously prove that Scooter is less likely to play on those days which he commits to play than on those days in which he does not. For example, in October, he has played in 1 of maybe 5 games in which he did not commit to play, and he has played in 0 of 1 games in which he said that he would play. He is thus 20% more likely to play on days when he does not promise to show up. Were it possible to expand this analysis to cover the last 4 years, one may presumably see consistent results during the vast majority of months.

Nevertheless, Kerry is always happy to announce that Scooter will be playing, as if it were a very likely thing to look forward to. Gary, for his part, then engineers teams based on the assumption that Scooter is coming. Finally, the game is delayed for a little while everyone waits for Scooter to arrive. It is a very Charlie Brown/Lucy/football variety of comedy.

All of this is an aside though from the main point of this article, which is that a game was played on Friday (Scooter or no Scooter), and Gary the Elder turned in a shamefully ugly performance. George, Gary and Son-of-Gary faced off against Kaptain Kerry Hook, Jim, and Micheal. Many an open look did Gary (aka “Big” Gary) have, and so few times did he score. The vast majority of his shots were off-target. His release looked terrible – it was clearly a miss from each moment the ball left his hand.

In a mid-game interview, Gary disclosed that he had enjoyed a heavy Chick-fil-A lunch a mere 20 minutes prior to game time. This is not something that Gary would normally do on a game day, and it seriously hampered him. Gary is a precision athlete, and he simply cannot afford the additional ballast of a fast-food combo meal, particularly Chick-fil-A’s famous signature waffle fries. He knows this better than anyone else, and his lack of confidence on the court this day was grounded in reality, and more and more evident as his shots chipped paint off of the rim.

With his team losing 58-59, saving his old man from a weekend of wretched infamy, Gary Jr. sunk a very clutch basket to seal a precarious win. Crisis averted, and a lesson learned: Eat less chikin, Gary.

Labor Day Weekend Special!

EL CAJON, CA — Labor Day marks another summer in the books, and when El Cajon cools down, Lunchsketball heats up! The summer’s been a slow one, but that just means the crew is well-rested. Here’s a quick summary of notable occurrences from the nearly four-month span of undocumented basketball:

  • Another goodbye, this time to Matt (aka “Matty Ice”). Somebody dislocate a shoulder in tribute to a beloved member of the Lunchsketball community, as the Franciscan grad parted trails this summer.
  • Richie now has shoes that cover his toes and feet all the way around. His game has seen a material level of improvement.
  • Darin has taken defense to a new level of intensity, with his soon-to-be signature practice of clapping, menacingly, at opponents. This doesn’t seem, in writing, like all that much, but you’ve got to be there. The clapping defense is intimidating.
    • Note: Supposing that Erik were to take up the clapping defense, then he might be called “Erik Clapping-ton”.
  • The game ball is starting to get kind of gnarly. It isn’t quite fuzzy yet, but it has entered a phase of the outdoor-synthetic-leather-basketball aging process in which it takes on the texture of a kitchen sponge. Gary has just gotten used to this ball, and it will not be easy for him to let it go in favor of a new ball, so SpongeBall SquareBasket might be around for quite a while.
  • Darin took a trip to the Philippines this summer, where the natives informed him that he looks just like Kevin Love.
  • Kerry, not getting his needs met by Lunchsketball, has been sneaking off to play with some friends he met on the internet. It is a meetup group called “Basketball for NonBasketballers!!!“. He’s described them as having a couple of “Georges”, with the rest of the players being “like us”. Admittedly, there is some resemblance in punctuation style.

That’s the news. Happy Labor Day, everybody!

The Harvest is Plentiful

Help Wanted

EL CAJON, CA — It is the great Lunchsketball Crisis of 2014. There are fewer than 9 active players on the entire roster at the office. Adam, Darin, Erik, Gary, George, Jim, Kerry and Matt are available basically every day. Phil is only available on 5 days out of every 2 weeks, so that’s like half a player. While hope stays alive that Tim will one day return, 2.5 percent would be a generous estimate for his day-to-day availability. This brings you up to 8.525 players.

Add John’s contribution, which can be found more scientifically than Tim’s. Historically, John has participated in a rough average of 1 game in each of the past 2 years, and so you know to use 1 as the numerator in calculating the Versace factor.  To find the denominator, take 365 x 4 years, add 1 to account for leap years, and then divide back by 4 again.

V = 1 / 365.25 = .002373785

This brings the total to a measly 8.52773785 players on any given day. What happened to the times when Gary would be turning people away at the door?  And thanks John, for all those stupid decimal places.

The fact is, Lunchsketball has an opening for a new player. The ideal candidate is somebody who can guard Gary, since Gary tends to hang out in the corners by the baseline and shoot open jumpers. It’s not hard to stop him, but it takes focus and discipline. No experience is required for this position. Interested applicants should submit their resumes in the comments below.

Invitational

Since about 2 months ago, Lunchsketball games have been billed as various types of “Invitationals”. See graphic below. Which has been your favorite Invitational?

Invitationals

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