Duck Tape Shoes Retired

photoEL CAJON, CA — Following months of speculation, Jim has gone through with the purchase of a new pair of shoes for basketball this week. The need for a new pair of shoes had become obvious to many in recent weeks. His old shoes were in such poor condition that duck tape was required to maintain structural integrity. Before a game, Jim would go to the warehouse, get the duck tape, and start rebuilding his shoes. During this process, he’d often remark that he had a $40 gift card for a national sporting goods chain, and would just get new shoes on the weekend if he could remember.

He finally remembered over the long Thanksgiving weekend, and the new shoes made their maiden voyage on the court during Thursday’s game. The shoes had their impact before the game even started. Jim arrived at the court relatively early; having grown accustomed to having to wrap duck tape around his toes before each game, he had budgeted too much time for game preparation, and was on court premises minutes ahead such punctual types as Erik, Jorge and Darin. The shoes cost a reported $80, and prominently feature a large, reflective UnderArmour logo. According to Jim, this was designed “so you can see me when I blow by you. It will be in your dreams”.

This Week in Lunchsketball: Volume III

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Evan, aka “Mayhem”, has been suspended for a flagrant 2 foul committed against league-darling Jorge during the second game of a double-header on Tuesday. The penalty for a flagrant 2 foul is an automatic five game suspension. The ruling was announced in a memo from the league commissioner on Wednesday morning, and it is the harshest penalty ever handed out to a player for any foul. As a matter of fact, there has never been any penalty delivered for a foul, not even free throws, and so the league is really coming down pretty hard on Evan.

According to Gary, the decision to suspend was made in order “to establish a safer and cleaner atmosphere among Lunchsketball participants.” Speculation of ulterior motives abound. Critics of the commissioner point to his flurry of  emails with suspiciously ESPN-ish looking words about the incident, and conclude that his aim all along has been to get quoted in the popular “Lunchsketball” blog.

Evan, aka “Mayhem”, owning it.

Evan was offered the option to continue playing by filing a written appeal with the league, but declined. This might have been because there is no existing template for written appeals, and creating one would only provide more ridiculous blog fodder for Jorge and Gary. Evan instead chose to sit out Wednesday’s game and begin serving his suspension.

By all accounts, the foul did look pretty bad. Evan took a full swing on the Swamp Thing as he approached the hoop for a layup on a fast break. The initial contact was brushed off, but Evan finished the job with what can only be described as a tackle. The brutality of the foul brought back memories of other violent incidents from the league’s past, such as every single blood-soaked game that Frank “Don’t Call Me Francis” Norris ever played against Alex “Don’t Call Me Matthew” Schrimpf.

Jorge did not agree with the suspension ruling, and considers the matter forgotten. He has handled the incident like the  consummate pro, except that he does not play basketball professionally, and so he was in fact merely the consummate amateur.

Tim Regrets Coming to Play on Tuesday:

Burgeoning small forward Tim, aka “Benjamin Button”, expressed remorse for his participation in Tuesday’s game. Team doctors have not cleared Tim for Lunchsketball, due to a lingering ailment to his knee. League commissioner Gary somehow managed to talk Tim into playing, even though he didn’t really even feel like playing basketball on Tuesday. Gary reportedly had success with guilt tactics and peer pressure to overcome Tim’s better judgement, by mentioning that there were 6 other guys who wanted to play, but there could be no game unless Tim joined and made 7, and so it all depended on Tim. It is a testament to Gary’s powers of persuasion that when Tim joined, he actually made uneven teams (3 vs 4), and yet somehow Tim was convinced that he would let everyone down by not playing.

Player of the Week:

Congratulations Jacob! Jacob submitted the finest individual performance of the short Thanksgiving week, as he utterly dominated Monday’s game. Lunchsketball has seen a lot more of Jacob recently, and he is playing his way into top form, and maybe a player profile as well, or at the very least, an alias.

This Week in Lunchsketball: Episode 2

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The talent is spread pretty evenly among all the players on the Lunchsketball court. Sure, some of the guys can run a little faster or jump a little higher than the others, but nobody in particular sticks out as an all-star who should be trying out for the pros. All the regulars share a general lack of organized basketball experience. These are the guys who started playing basketball in driveways, and then took a long break from middle school all the way until they found this basketball Island of Misfit Toys in El Cajon, CA.

That is why it was so fascinating on Wednesday when they were joined by NCAA Division I talent. Ricoh salesman “Walt”, perhaps trying to get that extra edge to sell a copier, hand out some business cards, or maybe just looking for some refreshing exercise, joined in a game with some of his potential customers. All 6’6″, 250-some pounds of him. It must be said that he was probably 20 years removed from his Division I days, but he was facing competition that was 30 years removed from their days of YMCA weekend league Division 7 competitiveness.

“Did I just lose a sale?”, he asked, after effortlessly putting the ball into the basket flat-footed as a host of munchkin-esque defenders flailed harmlessly at his knees.

Alas, there wasn’t enough defense to really even test Walt’s potential. He was simply built to the wrong scale. He couldn’t run too hard or move too fast because he was probably afraid that he would literally crush somebody. Nevertheless, the bar may now have been set for most God-given talent ever to grace the rabbit-feces strewn pavement that is home to Lunchsketball.

Nick-Names in the News:

Making nick-name news in the second consecutive installment of “This Week in Lunchsketball,” is Evan, aka “Mayhem”. Before and during Tuesday’s game, everybody called him “Ethan”. The origins of the nick-name remain unknown. Also in nickname news, Adam aka “Whirling Dervish”, has notched a couple more names. “One-armed Bandit”, and as would naturally follow, “Slot Machine”, are now in play, following an injury to his wrist. Adam fell hard on his wrist early in the game Tuesday while trying to defend his “Falling-Really-Painfully-On-The-Pavement” title from hard-charging contender Evan, aka “Mayhem”, aka “Ethan”.  He was unable to use the wrist but persevered courageously with only 50% of his wrists available, and in fact eventually hit the game-winning shot.

Player of the Week:

Congratulations Jim! Jim has won 3 out of his last 3 games, and has been instrumental in each of them, including a victory over the team of Ricoh salesman Walt.  He is this week’s Lunchsketball Player of the Week.

The Week In Lunchsketball

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The wait is over. The player who until now has been known only as “Evan” received his very first Lunchsketball nick-name.

“We will now call you ‘Mayhem'”, declared Gary, just this past week.

Since the day he first set foot on the court, Evan had been trying very hard to receive a nick-name/alias. Some would say that he tried a little too hard; he had raised some eyebrows by suggesting nicknames for himself.

“You have to earn it,” explained G. “You have to be given your nickname. You can’t ask for a nick-name.”

He has done very well for himself by getting a nick-name like “Mayhem”, considering what else is out there (think Blueberry). Who does he have to thank for the nice new moniker?  His frantic and physical playing style, and Allstate Insurance.

Quote of the Week:

“Jacob smells good!”

– Anonymous

Player of the Week:

Congratulations Matt, aka Matty Ice. Matt reportedly scored “a lot” of points (at least 10), to lift his teammates Chris, Gary and Jimbo to victory in a heated contest on Wednesday.

Poll of the Week:

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