This Week in Lunchsketball: Volume III

Top Story:

Evan, aka “Mayhem”, has been suspended for a flagrant 2 foul committed against league-darling Jorge during the second game of a double-header on Tuesday. The penalty for a flagrant 2 foul is an automatic five game suspension. The ruling was announced in a memo from the league commissioner on Wednesday morning, and it is the harshest penalty ever handed out to a player for any foul. As a matter of fact, there has never been any penalty delivered for a foul, not even free throws, and so the league is really coming down pretty hard on Evan.

According to Gary, the decision to suspend was made in order “to establish a safer and cleaner atmosphere among Lunchsketball participants.” Speculation of ulterior motives abound. Critics of the commissioner point to his flurry of  emails with suspiciously ESPN-ish looking words about the incident, and conclude that his aim all along has been to get quoted in the popular “Lunchsketball” blog.

Evan, aka “Mayhem”, owning it.

Evan was offered the option to continue playing by filing a written appeal with the league, but declined. This might have been because there is no existing template for written appeals, and creating one would only provide more ridiculous blog fodder for Jorge and Gary. Evan instead chose to sit out Wednesday’s game and begin serving his suspension.

By all accounts, the foul did look pretty bad. Evan took a full swing on the Swamp Thing as he approached the hoop for a layup on a fast break. The initial contact was brushed off, but Evan finished the job with what can only be described as a tackle. The brutality of the foul brought back memories of other violent incidents from the league’s past, such as every single blood-soaked game that Frank “Don’t Call Me Francis” Norris ever played against Alex “Don’t Call Me Matthew” Schrimpf.

Jorge did not agree with the suspension ruling, and considers the matter forgotten. He has handled the incident like the  consummate pro, except that he does not play basketball professionally, and so he was in fact merely the consummate amateur.

Tim Regrets Coming to Play on Tuesday:

Burgeoning small forward Tim, aka “Benjamin Button”, expressed remorse for his participation in Tuesday’s game. Team doctors have not cleared Tim for Lunchsketball, due to a lingering ailment to his knee. League commissioner Gary somehow managed to talk Tim into playing, even though he didn’t really even feel like playing basketball on Tuesday. Gary reportedly had success with guilt tactics and peer pressure to overcome Tim’s better judgement, by mentioning that there were 6 other guys who wanted to play, but there could be no game unless Tim joined and made 7, and so it all depended on Tim. It is a testament to Gary’s powers of persuasion that when Tim joined, he actually made uneven teams (3 vs 4), and yet somehow Tim was convinced that he would let everyone down by not playing.

Player of the Week:

Congratulations Jacob! Jacob submitted the finest individual performance of the short Thanksgiving week, as he utterly dominated Monday’s game. Lunchsketball has seen a lot more of Jacob recently, and he is playing his way into top form, and maybe a player profile as well, or at the very least, an alias.


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