ABOUT JORGE: What you are dealing with here is a series of conditional nick-names. Before the game is played, the name conferred upon the subject is “Me-George”. To understand this name, you need to understand the process of picking teams. While Gary is the default picker of teams, Kerry has sometimes been known to pick the teams too, and thus it is that the two of them will often partake in a tense and nuanced negotiation ritual to form even teams. This ritual often begins with Kerry saying, “How about Me, George…[pause].”

The next step, of course, is for Gary to respond with loud mockery, contempt, and indignation at what he perceives to be an unjust distribution of talent. Gary will often lament that Kerry’s team “has all the speed”. Much can be written on these negotiations, and some has been written at the Kerry profile, but the takeaway from this is that another name for Jorge is Me-George.

Some people perspire more than others, but George perspires much more than any of those people. It is like his special mutant power is the ability to generate profuse amounts of perspiration. This condition is to such an extent that  it is not uncommon for opponents to boycott defending Swamp Thing, or demand that he undergo a mid-game toweling.

This deluge of sweatiness is gross and fascinating both at once, and it becomes a strategic advantage. This is because it forms a virtual force field of slimy repulsiveness, and so many a defender will decline to test its powers, and play 3 feet away. This has a very positive effect on George’s overall scoring average. Needless to say, many other hurtful things have been said over the years because of this condition, for as everyone who has seen X-Men knows, the mutants are a persecuted race.

NAME: Swamp Thing, aka Energizer Bunny, aka George of the Jungle, aka Georgie Porgie, aka Curious George, aka Slippery George, aka Me-George, aka Orange Mamba, aka Jorge.
SPECIAL POWERS: Supernatural perspiration.
FAVORITE FOOD: Papa Johns, double bacon; Cazadores!!!!; Oranges.
IMPORTANT FACTS: Once approached outside of BJ’s Brewery by a talent scout from a modeling agency. Given business card and advised that “striking features” would surely lead to thriving career.

A third alias is used for George, usually near the close of the game. “Hurricane Mode” aptly describes a phenomenon which is fast-moving, violent, and carrying massive amounts of moisture (see above). This occurs when George happens upon an emotional trigger over the course of the game, and begins to play with more intensity. Perhaps a misplaced elbow might throw a psychological switch for Jorge, and flood him with latent feelings of outrage from distant past injustices. He may, for instance, be subconsciously taken to February 1994, when he was unjustly denied the top prize at the potato decorating contest at the grocery store. It was National Potato Month (February), and he crafted a potato into an beautiful scale model of a vintage race car, with painstaking detail, and the panel of judges (female) shunned his work, awarding instead a potato haphazardly stuffed into doll clothing, allowing their biological maternal prejudice to blind them to the artistic superiority of Jorge’s automotive-themed entry. Stifled frustrations from past injustices such as the potato incident are brought to the surface, and flow into his game. At these times, he will attempt to cover the entire opposing team, full-court, single-handedly. This produces mixed results. It sends the standard lunch-time basketball zone defense into disarray, and renders teammates scrambling to devise an impromptu revised zone scheme, and so it can backfire.

There was a 2011 incident wherein Swamp-Thing switched to Hurricane Mode during a flag football game. The results were disastrous. Hurricane Mode is totally ineffective outside of lunch-time basketball. The silver lining is that whilst recovering from injuries sustained, he had extra time with which to publish lunch-time basketball coverage, and here we are now.

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