Pickup Lines: How To Speak Pickup Basketball

In the first installment of “Pickup Lines“, the phrase “belly D” was defined (the exposing of one’s belly to distract an opponent). That post was expected to be the first in a  whole series of similar articles examining the meaning of words and phrases often overheard on a pickup basketball court. What was not expected was that in the weeks to follow the publishing of that post, it emerged as a top-ranking result for the Google search terms “basketball pickup lines” or “pickup lines for basketball players“.

According to WordPress analytics, Lunchsketball has been pulling in a lot of customers in this manner. As it turns out, on a typical day at least one person, somewhere in the world, turns to the internet in search of the magic words to lure that special baller into their life. How sad to think of the lonely souls out there who have their hopes lifted by that misleading Lunchsketball headline, only to be disappointed (although enriched, intellectually, at the same time) by a detailed description of belly D.

There really does appear to be a lack of good basketball pickup lines out there on the internet. Readers, take a look for yourselves, and what do you find? Bawdy sewage, like “You can put your ball in my hoop anytime.”

There must be self-respecting women out there who turn to Lunchsketball for help, and it is intolerable to continue to disappoint them. Now, as a matter of professionalism, the journalistic lens of Lunchsketball keeps a tight focus on the game that is played in El Cajon. Well, fasten your seatbelt, because this blog is about to make a rare exception and veer way off-topic, in the name of love.

love and basketballThese are all-original pickup lines. That means they’ve never been used before, so you’ve got the element of surprise! Ladies, you’re working with charm-dynamite here, and things could get serious, fast. So be careful. Without further ado, here are your pickup lines, along with some helpful delivery tips in italics:

  • “You’re so short, you must play guard. Want to guard and protect me and the children we may one day welcome into our lives?”
  • “I hear you’re a great dribbler. Me too. There’s a whole puddle over there where I was dribbling over you, hon’.”
  • “Is your name Kevin? Because I think I Love you.” Works best in Minnesota, or near UCLA. 
  • “Hey big guy, you’ve really got an exceptionally pure shot. We’d make a cute couple, cuz I happen to be an exceptionally pure woman.”
  • “Are you from Cleveland, because I’m digging that Cavalier attitude.”
  • “I can tell you must spend a lot of time on the court. It’s your lucky day, because I’m looking for somebody who loves me enough to follow an elaborate court-ship process, and that may take years!” Make sure to emphasize the “court” in the “courtship”, otherwise a great pun could get lost in there.
  • “Hey sugar-buns, do you play Center? Wanna be the center of my attention?
  • “Sweetie-pumpkin, you got so much game, you must be a natural. Want to come with me to listen to a speaker on Natural Family Planning? It’s Thursday at 6:30 in the parish hall.” Again, watch that pun!

Look, us basketball players are just people too. Don’t get yourself too hung up on working in a basketball-specific pun. The key is just to use a really outstanding pun. It doesn’t have to be about basketball. If all else fails, fall back on this one:

“Hey is your name Google? Because you’re everything I’m searching for.”

This has all been offered for free. The only favor expected in return is for you to share the success stories here at the blog. And also, if you could invite Jim to the wedding receptions, that would be nice because he appreciates a good bar. Now good luck out there!

Week in Review: Week 10

Game of the Week:

EL CAJON – Wednesday’s game began as a fast-paced shootout, but morphed into an intense, defensive slug-fest, that eventually had to be cut short. With the score just 40-38 following what felt like 90 minutes of play, Jim announced that the game was to end at 50 points, instead of the normal 60.

The 4-team of Jorge, Adam, Jacob and Gary rushed to a big early lead, behind a scoring outburst from Jacob, but the 5 team caught up and took their own 12 point lead in the first half. Then it was Jim, Phil, Darin, Richie and Kerry’s turn to cool off, and the game settled into a gritty, defensive struggle.

Adam, who has a full beard now, battled remarkably defending Phil, a skilled post player. The out-sized Adam managed to alter Phil’s shots by engaging him in mundane conversation, such as asking about the make, model, year and mileage of Phil’s car. Phil tried to reply to Adam, dispensing the information in-game. It is that much more difficult to get the proper touch on a hook shot while saying “2008 Passat”, but Phil tried, whether out of gamesmanship, manners or some a mixture of the two.

40-38 was the 5 team’s last lead, as the 4 team turned it up with one of Gary’s patented baseline jumpers, a Whirling Dervish basket driving down the key, and fast-break points to reach 50.

Pickup Lines – How to Speak Pickup Basketball:

Hair-o-dynamic: Showing improved athleticism after a haircut. Short haircuts are believed to create a better air-resistance profile with less weight and drag, boosting player speed, agility and vertical leap.

“Jim was much more hair-o-dynamic today!”

Full-Court Press:

John went running on Thursday at lunch, which could be an early step toward playing a basketball game later this year… A ping-pong table has arrived in the warehouse (making the company that much more like Dunder Mifflin), and many of the basketball players have joined the newly formed “Table Tennis Society”… Darin gave up his beard for Lent, and has been diving in the Power Rankings ever since; suggested work-around – mustache…

Player of the Week:

On Wednesday morning, Kerry reported seeing four puddles on the basketball court. Commissioner Gary, man of action, took control of the situation by emailing Jim, Jacob, Phil, George and Darin to say he needed one of them to drive out and sweep up the puddles. Who would step up in a big way and answer Gary’s call to save the day?  Who would heroically volunteer so that there could be basketball at lunch on Wednesday, in a game where nobody slipped on a puddle? That person is the Player of the Week. Congratulations Jim.