New Player Profile: Jacob


Jacob’s overall presence calls to mind a sort of Lunchsketball Charles Barkley (from playing days, not Barkley the Hutt on TNT), and he has been proven able to withstand a great deal of blunt force trauma. He is not afraid to bruise, and moreover, when he takes a hit, it actually tickles him. Following the sickening thud of a collision, Jacob breaks out in loud, uncontrolled giggling.

Suppose that there’s a loose ball, with two players running for it from equal distance. This leads to a game of chicken; some guys just want it more and are willing to take the pain, and others don’t want the ball that much, and at some point decide (correctly) it’s not worth it, and steer out of the way. Jacob is in his own category. It’s not that he wants the ball so much that he’d run through a brick wall for it, but rather, he just wants the ball and he also happens to enjoy knocking bricks over.

NAME: Jacob.
VERTICAL: Varies with his use of “Insanity” DVDs at home.
FG%: Either pretty good, pretty bad, or just OK.

Despite being built for demolition, he plays more of a finesse game. On offense he actually plays sort of a shooting guard. If you’re going to get a lot of points out of Jacob, then expect those to come  from outside of the paint, particularly from that short-baseline area where Gary earns his keep. On defense, he covers a lot of ground, and because of this, he’s a good fit on the undermanned team in a 3 vs 4 or 4 vs 5 game.

Jacob is opinionated and renowned for his game analysis and team-picking skills. He is a member of Gary’s top panel of consultants; when G would like to be extra sure that the teams are picked right, he can turn to Jacob for solid advice. Following a game, these two will find a time to meet and discuss what important conclusions can be drawn; what worked, what could have been done better, etc.

Jacob has played for years, and as of yet, no nick-name has really stuck. He is Jacob. That’s enough. He does have a famous catch-phrase though, and that is “WOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!”. He might yell this to strike fear into the opponents’ hearts or to boost team morale, but whatever the occasion, it is always yelled with enthusiasm, and it has become his signature.